Blue Handbag

Spring is here. The grey whales have migrated through on their way to calve in the warm waters off Mexico. The golden-crowned sparrow, only here for the winter, has headed back to the tundra of Western Canada, and one of the rarest plants in the world, Menzies’ wallflower, now festoons the beach. The heavy fog of summer has begun to visit us in the morning and afternoon, so dense you cannot see through it as it moistens plants and animals on its path.

But, I am feeling older, almost retired, and worrying about money. Will we have enough when all is said and done? The calculations seem endless. We have social security, but it was bonuses of company stock that made it possible for us to build our retirement house in Monterey. We work with a financial analyst at Merrill Lynch who juggles and re-juggles our retirement plan. He jokes that we should have enough to carry us through our dotage and perhaps enough to tip the hearse driver at the very end. I’m sure our children don’t want to hear this scenario as I was definitely hoping we would leave them a nest egg of their own. The trouble is building the house while also controlling costs–that’s my job. Just thinking about spending all of this money makes me fret.

I have not been doing a very good job of tracking where we are in terms of cost overruns. Everything seems a moving target, though I have a general sense of the overages at this point. A major one is the Ipe decking and siding that we are contemplating. Allan has promised to get me a complete estimate of these costs next week.

We had a $48,000 item for steel cable deck railings that we knew we would never install because of the expense. Nevertheless this was in the final construction bid we submitted as part of the package for the construction loan and we kept it in as a cushion. Bit by bit that cushion has been taken over by Ipe decking, Ipe siding and now Ipe stair rails inside. This has become the house of Ipe. In addition to being beautiful, the hardwood’s estimated life is at least 30 years; it requires no maintenance; and it can stand up to the salty sea air.

Our construction loan also included paying off the existing mortgage on the property that we took out when we purchased my brother’s and sister’s shares in 2002. The debt on the property is close to $1 million. One compliment I will give to the financial analysts was their insistence that we take out a construction loan which meant we had to detail all of our costs at the outset.  Thus we have at least an estimate of everything allowed as part of the construction: appliances, plumbing, lighting, etc.

The construction loan could not include some other expenses we knew we would incur such as furniture and landscaping. The only unanticipated expense so far has been for the audio video network and equipment and that bid, after several back and forth negotiations, has been finalized at $24,000.

Still costs can go up and they do. For example, even though the windows had been bid at the time of the construction loan application, the final cost for the windows was not $29,000 as in the original bid, but closer to $35,000. It was not one change but many little changes I could not begin to enumerate or even characterize, however, the final cost was 20% over the original estimate. If we take this as an example, we should expect to need over $100,000 more than originally budgeted for the construction loan.

It is nerve-racking to say the least. The other side of the equation of course is income. Harry has been working to review all of our expenses for the past year apart from construction of the house in order to set a reasonable budget for next year after he retires and we take up residence in California. We will not be drawing social security next year either, because he wants to postpone that until he is 70 when he will collect the maximum and I will also put off filing for two years to age 66 when I will be fully vested.  There are changes in health insurance to consider and new California property and state and federal income taxes to factor. The $65,000 question, quite literally, is whether or not to carry the mortgage and keep our capital, or pay it off–another question for the financial analysts.

While on the subject of overwhelming calculations one has to do with life expectancy and the quality of our last years. Even though we have been planning on building a retirement home for over 10 years, now I wonder if we are crazy to spend all this money on a house we may only enjoy for 20 years? Don’t be grim, I tell myself. But all around me is verification of my age. The Peninsula sometimes seems like a large retirement community. Of course I’m still 40-something in my mind. When I look at those in their 80s, I can’t feel myself there yet. I’m in denial! I still want to be the kid in the room with the 70 and 80 year olds.

My friend wrote last week that her mother, Nancy Wild, just passed away at age 96. Nancy had directed me in “The Octette Bridge Club,” about 25 years ago, when she was in her 70s, and I was 40. Nancy was the best director:  visionary, sharp, but also calm and with a droll sense of humor. The play featured eight mid-life and elderly sisters who play bridge together and get wisdom over the 13-year span of the play in which I was aptly cast as the youngest, craving attention, missing the main points of the show and life in general.

It reminds me of my mother who, like Nancy, loved little theater and acted in many plays as she got older. My mother’s blue handbag, she called it her pocketbook, was the last thing she let go of in the nursing home. Losing track of her pocketbook seemed emblematic of that final stay. There would be no more going home, her pocket book with wallet, ID, and her car keys, no longer needed.

I have grown quite maudlin. This has set me to shiver. Best not to tempt the fates too soon by even talking of their visit. Back to the spring. I’m sure I/we have a few more ahead of us. And what better way to spend our years together looking out at the beautiful beach from our Ipe clad deck that we both are so keen on. Still, I am determined next week to shop for furniture sales online. Google, send me those ads! You’ve got my cookies, my GPS coordinates, my preferences, please help me save some money!